Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
