Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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