I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
