We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
