He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
