so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
