I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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