What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
