masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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