saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
