Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
