Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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