Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
