I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
