I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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