Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
