I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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