Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
