Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
