I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
