I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
