Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
She is in my trunk
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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