WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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