all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
