I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
