You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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