if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
