Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
