I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
