i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
