You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
