A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
