I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
