Sponge bath it is.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
