Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
