True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize