Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
