Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
