wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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