Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
