I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
