My room smells like vodka and shame
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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