she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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