i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
