fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
