So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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