I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
His nipple licking is glorious
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