hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
