she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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