i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
