Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
