I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
