If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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