I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize