I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
